Thursday, May 30, 2013

13 Weeks 3 Days 5 Hours 41 Minutes..This is our story.

On January 21st, 2013, Jason and I found out we were pregnant. A few years ago I wrote a blog on our fertility struggles and what we were diagnosed with. To sum it up, you can goto this link and it will give a pretty accurate explanation as to what we were dealing with ( Jason was put on Clomid to treat this in 2010, and from there we knew if we were not able to conceive naturally, then we would be candidates for me to be on Clomid and maybe IUI. Fast forward to January 21st, 2013. I knew something was strange. A co-worker even told me "Maybe you are pregnant!". Not getting too personal, I always tracked my monthly cycle so that we knew whether or not we were "late" or not. Sadly, I was always on time. Jason and I decided to just stop for awhile due to me going back to school to finish my degree. I wasn't feeling well at work all day and decided to goto Walgreens after work to pick up a home pregnancy test. I ended up buying 2. When I got home Kaydon and Jason were ready to eat dinner, but I could not eat. I told them to go ahead and ran upstairs to take the tests. POSITIVE. What?? I ran down the stairs crying in tears "JASON DAVID BELCHER JASON DAVID BELCHER". He thought he was in trouble for something. I ran into his arms and showed him the tests.. POSITIVE. "WE'RE PREGNANT!!". Both of us cried..and before we knew it we were on the phone with our parents, my sister, and a few friends. That very next morning Jason was off from work so we made an appointment with our family physician to make sure that we were really in fact pregnant. We had our blood drawn (our PCP didn't think it was necessary due to other testing that was down, but in the end it was a godsend) and other tests done and sure enough, we were pregnant. Our physician told us congrats, and that was that. I then called around the confirm that we were in fact pregnant, and from there I made my appointments with our OB. That Friday I went to work and was so excited. I only told a handful of people as we knew we were early in the pregnancy. Later on in my shift I began to have some complications and ended up leaving and heading to the ER. They checked my HCG's (hormone levels that indicate pregnancy) which were 25,000 and did an emergency ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was only able to detect a sac and what they thought was a slight fetal pole, but nothing else. My OB thankfully was in that day and came down to talk to me. She was so sweet and encouraging. Though my levels were pretty high, she did indicate that there could be an issue with our pregnancy. She said to not lose hope yet and to go home and rest. They had given me IV fluids and monitored me for a few hours and then let me go home, and stated to followup with my OB in a week. Obviously if I had gone home with more issues that I was having, then it would mean a miscarriage most likely. A week went by, the symptoms that I had literally had disappeared the night of my hospital visit, so we chalked it up to just doing too much at work. I went to my followup appointment where they again did another ultrasound. Sadly my OB was not in so I was seen by another OB in her practice. While doing the ultrasound I could tell there was a definite change and that there WAS something there. They found not only the gestational sac, but a the yolk sac as well. The OB was positive, but again stated that due to no fetal heart activity it was a bit concerning due to my HCG levels at the ER. We decided to NOT monitor my levels just yet. He stated to come back in 2 weeks and were left with questions as to what was going to happen. He did explain to us the chance of our baby having Trisomy and at times the pregnancy ending in miscarriage. He was very informative and explained that we still had a chance of carrying a healthy baby, but it may just be taking its time. Jason and I went home uncertain about what to do. My body was still feeling pregnant, I still was was having morning sickness, and all of the other fun pregnancy symptoms, but most of all we had already fallen in love with our new baby. Kaydon was also informed that he was going to be a big brother, so literally everyday he would ask if we could name it "this if it's a boy or this if it's a girl". We were all so joyful and believed that God would protect our baby, and Kaydon's sibling. Two weeks passed, it was time for our appointment. I remember praying to God and asking Him to please answer my prayers. I was in tears as I knew that God would not let us down ever, and that He is loving God. Jason met me at the OB's office, and we went straight back for our ultrasound. As a nurse, and after working in the radiology department for quite awhile I did have some knowledge on ultrasounds, and Jason does as well being that he is a Echocardiographer. As the ultrasound tech was looking around we were SO excited. There were TWO now. Then the ultrasound tech started to say "Bummer". "Oh bummer, look, identical twins. Wow.. bummer." She would shake her head and continue saying that. I finally said "What??". "There are identical twins, but there are no fetal heartbeats". Jason and I were in shock. She left the room after offering me an ultrasound print. I looked at it in disbelief. Shock. Anger. The medical assistant came to get us and take us to a room so that our OB could speak with us. I think I screamed, I really cannot remember. Jason held me as I sat there on the exam table. I screamed and cried, Jason cried. How could this be? We have prayed for 3 years to be blessed with a baby, and yet we were blessed with IDENTICAL TWINS and then God took them from us? I was upset. I was angry. I was PISSED OFF. Our OB was very sweet and very caring. She discussed our options and we chose to go through with a surgical procedure after the risks were discussed and the chances were of having to have surgery anyway, it just was right for us. She explained to us that it was not our fault, that we were just that one couple that happened to have this happen, and that most likely it would never happen again. We all agreed that it was a positive thing that we became pregnant without having an interventions with myself included (I was not on hormone therapy and we had not tried IUI yet). Jason and I drove home.. I called my Mom, she was torn. I called my sister and she lovingly told me she was there for me. She had been since our ER trip. I remember crying the whole way home thinking that I did not want to tell Kaydon that he wasn't going to get to see his sibling(s) in September like we had hoped. February 21st was the day we found out our twins were in Heaven and February 25th was our scheduled surgery. The day of my surgery was literally a fog except for my pre-op nurse. I will never forget her. She walked me back, holding my hand. She hugged me and explained to me what was going to happen. She apologized that she had to meet me under these circumstances and handed me a beautiful book made out of a baby blanket which included a prayer for our sweet twins. She explained all of the support groups that St. Vincent's had and of the grievance nurse who would followup with us. She then stated too that these were just as much my babies as a fullterm baby. She was gentle and caring, every thing a nurse should be to a patient. Our angels went to be with Jesus 13 weeks 3 Days 5 Hours and 41 minutes ago. We found out at a followup appointment that we were diagnosed with fetal hydrops. The link included explains some of what that means. Most likely they would have been born if I were to cary them further with multiple health issues, and my body most likely recognized that they were unhealthy.( It is probably unlikely that we would have an identical twin pregnancy ever again, or if we did, it would most likely not end with that type of diagnosis. Our hearts hurt on a daily basis knowing that we will never get to kiss or hold our sweet babies. Jason and I grieve differently, as do all couples, but also Kaydon is grieving in his own way. We all had the chance for over 6 weeks to get used to the idea of having a baby coming soon into our family of 3, and it was soon swept away. The anger and hurt is getting easier to deal with, but I will never forget our sweet babies. I know that I talk about it constantly. Talking helps. I have joined a grievance support group and thankfully the ladies I do speak with feel pretty much how I feel. Sad, ticked off, angry, confused. We all appreciate life a little more. I think we take it more seriously than before, and we hold onto the ones we do have in our lives a little tighter. It's hard for us to read or hear about someone complaining of their pregnancy mostly because we know that we would rather be complaining of being sick to our stomach than having the burden of grief in our minds. We are all imperfect, and we would never know how one feels unless we walked in their shoes. I would never want anyone to have to go through this. The struggle I have had lately is knowing that our twins were only recognized by the hospital and by the Church of the Holy Innocents. Some say "But you didn't even see their hearts beat". No, we didn't. But we still loved them, and we will always love them. They were and will always be our sweet angels. <3 We thank everyone for their prayers and cards. Without you all, this would have been much harder to endure.